OMG NKOTB

(Written on October 30th)

It's taking me awhile to write this, as I'm still trying to compose myself (whilst trying to stay awake, which is a hard thing to do). The fifteen dollar "premium spirit" beverages are swirling around in my stomach with the extra shot of espresso latte I drank this morning. Things are not looking good. Outlook for today? High of 65 with a high chance of vomit.

SO, I saw New Kids on the Block last night. (Insert high pitched shriek combined with clasped hands on your heart.) Shit was out of control. Words cannot describe, but I will try.
May I present you with some highlights:

*I could easily count the number of men that I saw at the concert on two hands. 8 of those men were homosexual. The other two were George and some other poor husband who came with his wife. They sat next to us, and at one point, poor husband 2 turned to George and said, "Wanna play cards or something?"

*There was only one open men's restroom. George went into the restroom, and came out looking highly displeased. "Apparently that's a unisex bathroom," he spat out. I figured, as I saw two giggling girls follow him out. I think he held it for the rest of the concert.

*I may or may not have cried just a little when the New Kids first came on stage. Just for a minute, I was ten year old Kelly, with my horrible hair (that was pre-CHI, mind you), my black leggings with my NKOTB T-Shirt (otherwise known as my uniform), and questionable self esteem. Now, here I was twenty motherfucking seven, with child and husband (trying REALLY hard to hold it), all kinds of grown up. It was a moment.

*My analysis of each Kid:

Danny: he seemed somewhat ambivalent. I heard on the radio he had a pulled hamstring, which probably made the breakdancing moves he busted out quite painful. Yes, Danny brokedance (is that the proper tense??) for about two minutes. George looked at me all, what the fuck is this idoit doing? He does look good though, much better than what I remembered.

Jonathan: I still can't get over seeing him on Oprah, talking about how he's agoraphobic. Wouldn't that make this whole concert thing horribly awkward? He didn't say much the whole time. Kudos to him though for pulling it off without fainting.

Joey: He is still so freaking pretty. With his pretty eyebrows and pretty eyes, and his high pitched voice that still could pass off for a eleven year old pre-pubescent boy. I think at one point, he got down on his hands and knees while singing a ballad. The girls in the front row wet themselves, I'm sure.

Jordan: He's obviously loving this whole being famous again thing. I remember watching him on the Surreal Life and thinking he seemed like such a douchebag. What a disappointment that was. Last night though, he was definitely in his element as you can see by this here YouTube gem (not from last night, but all the concerts are the same shit, so use your imagination). I should've brought some clothes to wash on his stomach. The girl behind me screamed so loud when his shirt magically flew open that my ear started to bleed. I was in the moment too, but goddamnit woman, get ahold of yourself! Husband 2 next to us was laughing so hard that I thought he was going to pass out.

Donnie: Ah, the best for last. I'll forgive Donnie for his gross and dirty and trashing hotel rooms stage (thank you, VH1 Behind the Music for shedding light on the incident) for how cute he is now. He is probably the most charismatic of them all, and I think he mentioned his "ass" (yes, he said ASS) at least three times. "Does my ass look good tonight," and "How does my ass look," sent all the ladies into a tizzy. George proceeded to throw up in his mouth. At one point, Donnie grabbed a homemade sign/sheet thing from a fan and draped it on his back. It read DONNIE FUCKING WHALBERG. You're damn right.

How do you know you're getting old? When you leave before the encore to beat traffic. I think we missed Hangin' Tough and Step by Step, but that traffic is rough, man. I think I can guess how it went though. More grown women lost their dignity, Donnie turned around to show off his ass, Jordan did a pelvic thrust or two, Danny looked bored then spun on his head, Joey groomed his eyebrows, and Jonathan's internal dialogue consisted of, "It's almost over, it's almost over, it's almost over."

This morning, I thanked my Mom for watching The Beast a million times, and she said (completely monotone, mind you), "I'm glad I could make your dreams come true."
Amen.

P.S. Somehow, a huge (think the size of my son's head) Donnie Wahlberg button happened to be in my purse this morning. I can neither confirm nor deny that I purchased said button, as I was all hopped up on bazillion dollar spirits. Guess we'll never know.

P.P.S. George gets a million bonus points for coming with me. He seemed genuinely tickled at how giddy I was, and even bought me a T-Shirt. Love it.